Back to Work

I've been excited and dreading this day since Jonah arrived. There has been a lot of mixed emotions and discussions about me going back to work.

Part of me wants to simply not go back. But that would mean debt and welfare galore even if Alan managed to hold down 2 jobs. It's easy for me to look at other moms who get to stay home and be jealous, to question why I had to have such a good job, and why things aren't different. That's when bitterness and resentment creep in and start its deadly work in my marriage. It has been difficult to keep those two at bay.

The other part of me is excited to go back to work. To be with adults and not have a baby on my hip. I have been blessed by being able to go on days and to only work 3 days a week instead of the 5 most people endure. I've even been thinking about going back to school for my masters and become a nurse practitioner in woman and child!

All these thoughts and emotions can be overwhelming at times. That and the general feelings of insufficiency of being a mom mixed with the troubles that I've had with breastfeeding. Put that in a bowl and mix it and tell me you don't feel like a crazy!

But thank God for His blessing of my husband, who keeps me sane! It really is a blessing when I think about it. I have a great job while Alan is getting started in his career, Alan is able to watch Jonah so we don't have to use daycare, I only work 3 days a week and I enjoy my job.
As Alan says, I don't need anti depression pills, I just need gospel pills! To remember this is temporary and to take joy that I can provide for my son a wonderful life. I pray that God will continue to pull out the weeds of bitterness and cultivate a beautiful spirit of joy and humility in my heart. That I will take His gospel seriously and let it take hold of my fleeting emotions. God is ever faithful, though I am ever faithless, and ever loving, even though I am prone to hate!