Kerfuffle of Thoughts

*Sigh* Fall is sneaking around the corner and I'm loving it! I do love all seasons, but fall has a special place in my heart... and stomach! Gotta love how pumpkins make it into every food this time of year!

Work was nice the past three days. Here are some of my favorite moments:

• A patient's kid was crying and the patient told the doctor "He must have an ear infection or tummy ache or something! Why would he be crying? He has to be sick". The doctor turned, look at the patient with a straight face and said, "I believe your child has spoil-n-itis. There is no cure for that". Love our ER docs!
• It was nice having a hand full of patients that I could joke and laugh with about things. Those always make the day more pleasant.
• On my way home from my first of three, I stopped by Starbucks to get a drink because I was so worn out and needed something to help me get home! I must have looked pitiful because they gave me the drink for free! I looked at him and said "Really?! Thank you sooo much!" Not many people can appreciate a good cup of coffee besides a nurse who just got off a crazy shift after only having 4hrs of sleep!
• I stopped to pick up some candy on my last day and was hit-on by the clerk. Nice to feel like my body is slowly returning to it's original shape and glamor! 

But the best thing that happened, was every night after work coming home to my wonderful husband and baby Jonah! I felt so loved when Jonah was being fussy, but when I picked him up, he instantly calmed down and just looked at me! That's right baby, mommy is home!

We recently took some photo's of Jonah-- Alan does such a wonderful job at taking them! Here are my favorite:

I'm already thinking of fall/october photos to take! I see pumpkins in Jonah's future!

On another note, last weekend was the Waco consignment sale and I stocked up! So we are very set on 0-3 months clothes and I'm having so much fun dressing him! I've found that I'm becoming like all those moms I used to laugh at when they would rather buy clothes for their kids than themselves... it's never depressing buying clothes for your adorable baby!

Hopefully I'll be able to start buying new clothes out of necessity because I've lost weight-- We've started on weight watchers and I'm ready to start slimming down! I want to be one of those cute outdoorsy moms that can keep up with their kids and look good doing it. It'll take some time, but hopefully by Christmas I'll be feeling more comfortable in my clothes!

Not so bad, eh?

So... I went back to work... and survived! Actually, I enjoyed being back at work more than I thought I would. It was different at first since I was going back on a day shift instead of my old night crew-- learning new faces and difference in when it's busy. The first day was hard for me emotionally, not just because I was away from my precious Jonah, but one of my patients was a teenage girl who coded and died. That's hard to deal with no matter what else is going on.
  But the next two days were really good! I felt awake during the shift and the time went by quickly. I also was able to avoid being too emotional by thinking "Only __ more hours until I see Jonah again!", which is a lot more beneficial than a pity party of "I'm not holding my son right now! WAAA!".
Course, whenever I got home, I cuddled with my lil boy for about an hour until I was falling asleep! In fact, the first night when I got home-- Alan met me at the car with him and as soon as he heard my voice, he's lil eyes got so big! I felt so loved!
My husband did a wonderful job of taking care of him and I believe he would make a great babysitter for anyone-- but he refuses to change any kids diapers besides his own kid! I'm going to have to add that to the list of things my husband is great at... right next to being a dulah!

On a boobie note-- pumping at work went great! I'm very grateful to my job for having a place to pump that's somewhat cozy and not a bathroom! There is actually a lock on the door, a glider, and some home like pics! I'm thinking though of bringing up there a bulletin board so that we can put up pics of our babies! It's more enjoyable to pump when you can see the beautiful face that you are pumping for!
Even more exciting news-- Jonah is latching on without a nipple shield!! Big accomplishment! Unfortunately, sometimes he draws blood-- ouch! So, to help mom not develop a wide range of vulgar vocabulary, the lactation nurse suggested that I pump for a little bit to help the milk let down and then put him on. She noted that I might want to get his frenulum snipped to help out.... um no! I think I would rather pump and feed than do that! So we're trying the pump and latch!
I'm really not meaning this blog to be about breast feeding... but it just happens to be a big area of my life at the moment!
Uh oh, I hear a grumble from the crib! Toodles till next time!

Back to Work

I've been excited and dreading this day since Jonah arrived. There has been a lot of mixed emotions and discussions about me going back to work.

Part of me wants to simply not go back. But that would mean debt and welfare galore even if Alan managed to hold down 2 jobs. It's easy for me to look at other moms who get to stay home and be jealous, to question why I had to have such a good job, and why things aren't different. That's when bitterness and resentment creep in and start its deadly work in my marriage. It has been difficult to keep those two at bay.

The other part of me is excited to go back to work. To be with adults and not have a baby on my hip. I have been blessed by being able to go on days and to only work 3 days a week instead of the 5 most people endure. I've even been thinking about going back to school for my masters and become a nurse practitioner in woman and child!

All these thoughts and emotions can be overwhelming at times. That and the general feelings of insufficiency of being a mom mixed with the troubles that I've had with breastfeeding. Put that in a bowl and mix it and tell me you don't feel like a crazy!

But thank God for His blessing of my husband, who keeps me sane! It really is a blessing when I think about it. I have a great job while Alan is getting started in his career, Alan is able to watch Jonah so we don't have to use daycare, I only work 3 days a week and I enjoy my job.
As Alan says, I don't need anti depression pills, I just need gospel pills! To remember this is temporary and to take joy that I can provide for my son a wonderful life. I pray that God will continue to pull out the weeds of bitterness and cultivate a beautiful spirit of joy and humility in my heart. That I will take His gospel seriously and let it take hold of my fleeting emotions. God is ever faithful, though I am ever faithless, and ever loving, even though I am prone to hate!

Some things just make me smile!

There are lots of things that Jonah does that makes me smile. But sometimes the people around Jonah make me smile too!
We were at the mall yesterday and Alan was getting his hair cut and I had just finished feeding Jonah. Jonah was doing fine for a few minutes until the world started caving in! He suddenly realized he was in an unfamiliar place with a bunch of weird smells and sounds. He did not approve and so voiced it. Loud enough for the whole mall to hear.
It doesn't bother me any more to hear him cry because I know what he is saying. "Mom, I have a wet diaper and I'm scared! I don't know where I am and there are all theses weird sounds and smells! I don't like it!"-- that's what I hear. However, most people hear "PANIC!!!" or at least that's what I see go across their faces!
So I causally walked over to get a drink from the pretzel shop (and I used my super woman powers to resist a pretzel). The poor kid at the cash register had this look of "why is it crying and why won't it stop?! What do I do?!", but kindly said "oh, um he seems upset." To which I replied, "Yes, we're a lil fussy today", smiled and went on into JCPenny's to find a changing station. While walking through, I could see the terror rush across peoples faces! It was like I had a rare disease or ravenous monster in the stroller! I just kept a smile across my face and made it to the changing station.
Jonah calmed down for a little bit but then picked back up with much aggression, saying "You took care of the diaper, but I still don't like where I am mommy!!" So I did my best to calm him but he was still unhappy.
Another 15 min of crying and terrorizing people at the mall until I found some warm water for him to suck on. That helped and the poor citizens of the mall were relieved. The whole situation just made me smile. I felt like I should go an consul the people that it's going to be ok... baby's cry! That's how they communicate!

On a not so happy note, my milk supply isn't picking back up after the mastitis. I've done everything that every lactation website says to do (even some weird semi-superstitious things-- it's hard finding a juju doll for myself) and I'm still having to supplement with formula. At first, I was really starting to feel like a failure as a mom. The lactation websites didn't help with their "You're going to hell if you don't breast feed!" slogans. But thanks to some wonderful, godly and supportive friends, I was brought back to reality and knowing that I'm doing everything I can to love my lil Jonah. I'll continue to breast feed until I'm dry, but it's still a lil sad that things turned out this way. But I'm not giving up on a miracle!

Baby, You're Worth It!

For all those moms who have stuck with breast feeding through thick and thin, you deserve an award! I thought breast feeding would be fairly simple- all you need is boobs, baby, and a pump to go back to work... Right?
Well, I'd say now that's the case if you are lucky and blessed!
Right after Jonah was born, I tried to breast feed. I was very thankful to the L&D nurse who fended off the nursery nurses long enough to let me try. I noticed quickly that there might be a problem. He couldn't seem to latch on and my nipple didn't seem to stay up. So the next day, after hours of frustration and concern, the lactation nurse noted that I had "inverted nipples" (aka not your typical mama nipples).
Since Jonah was small and my milk had not come in, she set me up on a supplemental tube and nipple shield to give him something extra to eat and latch onto. I put a pic of it below to help explain.
For those who have never nursed, I don't think you'll quite get the initial pains of latching on. My mom put it best by calling it a "toe curling" pain. And oh she was right!
After the milk came in, nursing did get easier. I was still having to use the shield but I was trying these special cups to get my nipple to stand out more. They work through the first half of my feeding, but then my nipples go back down and I need the shield.
Due to traveling and poor timing, I let myself become engorged one too many times and now I have mastitis. What I thought hurt before pales in comparison to the pain now when he latches on. So I'm stuck in bed, trying to feed every 2 hrs (we had been on a wonderful 4 hr schedule), crying when we feed, and having to supplement again with formula since this has cut into my milk supply!
To say the least, I've thought long and hard about formula! But, even though it can very painful and socially inconvenient (and very difficult to do with a nipple shield even with the nursing cover-- the awkward stares from guys don't help either), I have to look at my precious baby boy and know that he is worth it all! If this makes him healthier and happier, you better believe I'll try until I can't! Plus, I've been told it gets easier-- so why suffer and then stop right before it gets better?! A happier momma and baby soon to come!

P.S. for all future moms who are considering breastfeeding, don't let my situation scare you! My scenario is not the norm!